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No, seriously.

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My mom saw a T-shirt that said "WTF" and asked me what that meant. I told her it was a shorthand version for "What the fuck!?" when chatting online. She thought it was a nifty thing and since she hates to say stuff like "fuck," she has a habit of actually saying "W-T-F" when she's surprised or bewildered. She saw something amusing the other day and laughed before saying "W-T-F?".
Current Mood:
amused amused
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Today, my mother's boyfriend called her "a treasure trove of idiosyncrasies". She told him to shut up because she didn't know what he meant. I said, "Oh, that's a good one- how about a copius collection of quirks?" She said, "Ew."
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For a while, I used to dread Dec. 24 because we'd have company over on the 25th so the 24th was clean-up day. Well, my mom was a clean freak. She'd check the bathrooms and if it didn't pass a white-glove inspection, she'd march me back in there to clean again even though a lot of the stains are permanent. When I would vacuum, Mom would always find spot's I'd "neglected." I got fed up at one point and ran the vacuum over the spots 12 times to shut her up. She's mellowed out for two reasons-- her arthritis hinders her cleaning abilities so she's not so batshit about the house being flawless. And I saw a clip from the movie, Mommie Dearest with Joan snapping at Christina while rubbing the hell out of the bathtiles. When I mentioned how I could relate to that, Mom cooled of a lot.

Also, one time our plumbing backed out of the drains--there was shit coming out of the sinks and tub drains. Since we didn't have working bathrooms, we would pee outside and crap in a bucket. Since my mom has arthritis, she can't bend her knees to squat over the bucket or pee in the tall grass in the sideyard. I went into the garage to shit and I find a tower comprised of a lawn chair and the bucket. I tried to balance on it, but I teetered and nearly fell over so I just put the bucket on the floor. But I laughed the whole time. Mom caught me and asked what was so funny and I asked her why she set up the Leaning Tower of Pee-sa in the garage. I also asked her how in the hell she shit in that thing without spilling the bucket on the floor.
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When my mother caught me smoking at the age of fourteen, she said, "No, you're doing it wrong. You're not even inhaling. Here, this is how you do it..."

My mother sent a handmade Valentine's Day card to my cat this year... in its own envelope, addressed to him personally. She also sent him a Get Well Soon card recently, complete with some of the words spelled out in stickers of individual letters, when I emailed her that he had to go to the vet's.
My mother has never actually clapped eyes on my cat, as he is here in the UK with me and she's in the US.

When I, as a relatively young child (I think I was nine or so), failed to keep my bedroom in a state that would've passed a health inspection, my mother put everything I owned inside my closet, purchased a heavy-duty padlock, etcetera. I was allowed to keep out enough clothes to last me for a week, one book, and my bedding. She kept my closet locked for a month. I always kept my bedroom very neat after that.

Upon discovering that my 16 year-old friend and I (at the same age) were in my bedroom giving each other tattoos with india ink and a little machine that we rigged up with a battery, an empty pen cartridge, and a sewing needle, she asked my friend if she could have one too.

My mother often calls me collect (international long-distance calls, mind you) to ask me what I'm going to have for dinner.
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About a good chunk of the stories I submit occurred when I was a kid. Yeah my mom still makes me laugh, but the incidents then were funnier than the ones now.

When I was 11, those snap-on bracelets were in. You know, the ones that were stiff and straight but would curl onto your wrist when you slapped it on yourself. I was at the store with my mom when I found a snap-on on the floor. I thought the butterfly design looked nice so I picked it up and put it on, assuming soem other girl had lost it.

We walk out of the store, and my mother sees the bracelet and asks where it came from. I told her someone lost theirs and I found it on the floor. Then she says, "And do you know that for a fact?" I think she took me back inside the store where she pointed to a plastic cup filled with bracelets--some even bearing the identical butterfly pattern on mine. From that point on, she said that I stole the bracelet. I said I didn't know it was store merchandise, but then Mom replies, "It doesn't matter. Jesus set a trap, and you fell for it!" I guess she meant that I fell into temptation or thievery by that statement (she was a bit of a religious nut back then).

But when she told me Jesus set a trap, I didn't think of it as a test of will or avoiding temptation. I pictured J.C. setting up those steel clamp traps (the kind used to snag the legs of wolves and foxes) and tiptoeing away like a character from a bad Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
Current Mood:
nostalgic nostalgic
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My mom left me this nice note on Saturday.

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Current Music:
Android Lust- Kingdom of One
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